It’s a Monday.

I’m at school after being about an hour on the bus, and I’m feeling really good right now. And not just physically, but mentally as well. I guess I got a very good night’s sleep because I’m feeling really…empowered, and I’m not even wearing my best shoes!

But times like these always bring out some light anxiety. I always think that feeling good is some kind of horrible predilection to a worser fate. Like…this high is only for a while. Like something horrible is going to happen right after…isn’t that just horrible?

But I think I feel good about that feeling right now. I feel like nothing bad in particular is going to happen to me. It’s just my inexplicably worrisome thoughts. I’m totally okay. I can go through today knowing I’m okay. It’s just anxiety. No need to worry about things that don’t need worrying over.


Love,
Allan V.

from 3 Septembre, 2014

I remember from almost a year ago when the anxiety first hit, that I researched the butt out of generalized anxiety and all its side effects and physical effects on the body. Some of my favorites were tight chest (from unconsciously hyperventilating), weakened immune system (from the weak state of the mind), and nausea (because fuck your stomach).

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from 2 Septembre, 2014

The one true feeling I always have in everyday life since the year before…is the thought that I might not be actually seeing what I am seeing, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I always have this otherworldly concept that I only see what I want to see and what is “normal” to my mind, but I’m actually this incredibly mad person that is always doing normal human things at very inappropriate times and places, such as going to the bathroom.

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from 2 Septembre, 2014

I had an episode in the first grade. Just to prove how far back this anxiety goes. I was new to the class, which had already started about two-three weeks into the semester (because I was transferred from Kindergarten to the first grade by cause of smarticles). One day, I was out on the playground, friendless, no doubt. But the thing is, I really had to use the restroom. Both number one and two.

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Tonight is One of Those Nights

I’m having trouble falling asleep. It’s like…I forget to breathe. As I begin to fall asleep, it’s like my body jolts awake because I have to take another breathe and it’s quite frightening. I think I’ve had this before when I was dealing with the initial anxiety. 

It really sucks, man. When this stuff happens to me, I really get scared that I might not wake up in the next morning or worse, that I might have some weird sickness and that these might be my last words and whatnot.

It’s scary to be constantly thinking about death like I do…but it’s almost become a second nature instinct and I hate it. I always feel as if any under par feeling I have is due to a grave disease I might have and that will be my ultimate demise.

And then I get into worrying about my friends and family and their grief and whatnot, IT’S A LOT THAT MY BRAIN PROCESSES IN SUCH LITTLE TIME.

I need some help again. But, I just hate this American system where, even though you might get some help covered by your insurance, it’s always at least a week’s wait before the help begins. 

Time is something I feel I do not have. I want to get the most out of my life every minute without having to constantly battle this monster.

Guess no more Wendy’s for me for a while.

from 2 Septembre, 2014

I recently went paintballing with friends and a guy that I’m particularly somewhat interested in. I’ve never been paintballing before and I knew that it involved guns and shooting at each other, but I never liked guns or the sound of guns. Having these paintball guns was somewhat comforting, but getting hit really hurt and I was the first to call it a day after half a day of being at the field. It was…slightly horrifying. Then, to top it all off, I was being my total and complete self in front of this guy, and we even had a couple of moments together…but I just blew it, I felt. I just…always wish that I could do more to make my life fulfilling. I could have…at least given him some form of affection.

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from 2 Septembre, 2014

Before my current obsession with death, when I was in my early teens, I had a fixation with earthquakes. I learned all about them for some reason or other and learned that animals can sense when they come by acting strangely. At the time, my family owned a small cluster of ducklings and they kept them in their cage during the day while our dog was out. I don’t think I ever saw them come out of their cage until one of the nights that I thought about earthquakes. My parents let them free for the evening and they were bustling, which really concerned me. In addition to that, it was in the summer and we had the front door open. I could hear dogs barking to each other in the distance and one dog howling, I remember it so clearly. That terrified me.

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