from 2 Septembre, 2014

I recently went paintballing with friends and a guy that I’m particularly somewhat interested in. I’ve never been paintballing before and I knew that it involved guns and shooting at each other, but I never liked guns or the sound of guns. Having these paintball guns was somewhat comforting, but getting hit really hurt and I was the first to call it a day after half a day of being at the field. It was…slightly horrifying. Then, to top it all off, I was being my total and complete self in front of this guy, and we even had a couple of moments together…but I just blew it, I felt. I just…always wish that I could do more to make my life fulfilling. I could have…at least given him some form of affection.

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from 2 Septembre, 2014

Before my current obsession with death, when I was in my early teens, I had a fixation with earthquakes. I learned all about them for some reason or other and learned that animals can sense when they come by acting strangely. At the time, my family owned a small cluster of ducklings and they kept them in their cage during the day while our dog was out. I don’t think I ever saw them come out of their cage until one of the nights that I thought about earthquakes. My parents let them free for the evening and they were bustling, which really concerned me. In addition to that, it was in the summer and we had the front door open. I could hear dogs barking to each other in the distance and one dog howling, I remember it so clearly. That terrified me.

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Just gotta let more steam out.

I’m feeling really uneasy in my stomach. It’s probably from the fact that I ate an omelette really fast in the morning and my body doesn’t like that so much.

I feel jittery. Not shaky, just jittery. Like…as if a sudden movement I make could look really awkward.

There’s one point of dull acidic pain in my abdomen and honestly, writing this is making it feel so much better.

I noticed that this feeling is something I’ve felt before, right as I was going through the first few weeks of college last year.

I’m more than positive that it had to do with getting used to the whole college process again. Just thought I’d share. This makes me feel good. ❤

I Think I’m Developing Schizophrenia

I remember reading about this in a psychology course I took in high school. Schizophrenia is not just hearing voices in your head and whatnot. There are four types, if I remember correctly. There is the type when you hallucinate and hear voices, see things, believe things that aren’t really there. There is hysterical schizophrenia where you just say random things with no context or meaning (to the constructs of society, at least). There is paranoid schizophrenia in which one strongly believes that the world is conspiring against themselves. And lastly, there is a blanket category for combinations of the three types in varying amounts.

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from 2 Septembre, 2014

Now, here is where the madness begins.

            All of these things that I feel feels like just that: only feelings. I live constantly with the uncertainty of whether or not what I just felt was actually felt by my body or just imagined by my brain for some unbeknownst reason. I’ve been on the edge recently. My anxiety has been coming back exponentially. All the thoughts that I had, notions of parts of my body malfunctioning, having sudden dizzy spells, ultimate death…they have come back. Rather, they have come out from a place I thought I had gradually destroyed.

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2 Septembre, 2014

This is another evening where I haven’t been feeling quite myself. Rather, myself quite hasn’t been feeling. I keep having these thoughts. Thoughts about death. My breath becomes short, or so I feel it. My mind is everywhere and nowhere at once. I can feel every single fiber of my being and yet, I feel numb all over. I just wish that I knew if there was something wrong with me. Sometimes, I just wish I could get some straight answer to my questions about myself. I just want to define every part of me that can be defined.

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